Bad Mommy

I have been a bad Mommy lately. 

I'll start with Halloween.  Due to a combination of issues, which I won't get in to,  I have no pics of Ricky from Halloween.  Either he was way too fast and I was busy chasing him to keep him out of the street or I just stupidly forgot the memory card to the camera.  There are a handful of reasons but regardless, I have no pics and I am pretty bummed about it.

Then when I was in Target on Halloween Day I was cruising through the children's section and noticed the infamous Monkey Backpack.   I have been considering one for a while just because Ricky is so active and there are times when I fear for his safety.  I want him to be able to explore to his hearts content but I want to keep him out of the road.  Just buying this was a HUGE step for me.  I had asked Rick about it in the past and he wasn't really open to the idea of having one.  But that day in Target, I just had to pick one up.  I was so worried about Ricky's safety during trick or treat.  So that night when we went out I strapped it on but I didn't connect the "leash" part.  It was just on his back and he didn't mind it at all.  When I did attach the lead, he still could care less.  But what he soon discovered was if he pulled at it and I pulled at it, all I did was slow him down.  He began to just start falling down because he could, knowing he wouldn't have a hard fall since something was slowing him down.  Big fail.  It didn't do a darn bit of good.  I was open to it.  I tried it.  It didn't work.  I know they work fabulous for other folks but it just didn't work for me. 

Another Bad Mommy moment.  I picked Ricky up from daycare this week.  He was in timeout when I got there.  He had been flinging the Fisher Price phone around by the cord and nearly hit another kid.  Ricky is strong.  Very strong, especially for his age.  He is a very physical kid and his fear knows no bounds.  He jumps off the couch.  He flips backwards.  He runs in to the couch/wall/toybox/chair/you/me/whatever.  At full speed.  He has literally plowed in to another kid head on and knocked them flat on their butt.  This is just who he is, but he doesn't know his own strength and it lands him in trouble at times. 
 
Where does the Bad Mommy part come in?  I suppose I feel bad because maybe, just maybe, I need to adjust my expectations of what is realistic behavior from him.  Of course we all want our kids to be the best behaved with the best manners.  It just isn't going to happen.  At least it won't happen if I want him to be himself.  He is who he is.  I love who he is. I love the amount of passion he put in to everything he does.  He does everything 110%.  He is so much fun and he really is an easy kid.  Seriously.  Well he's easy as long as you have the energy to keep up with him and stay one step ahead at all times. 

That doesn't mean there aren't times that I don't want to ___________ the little stinker.  I'll let you fellow moms fill in the blank because I know you've been there. 

So why do I feel like a Bad Mommy?  I really can't say why.  I guess it's just part of this whole growing up thing I have to do in the name of parenthood. 

So now you know why there are no Halloween pics.  Stop asking.

Blankies and stuff...

I was just looking at this pic. 

My, how time flies.  This picture was taken when Ricky was 8 days old and in the hospital.  His body temp had dropped drastically low and they were concerned there was an infection so he was admitted.  You can't see the spot on his back where they did the spinal tap.  You can't see the IV in his right hand.  You can't see all the slits on his little feet where they were trying to get a good potassium level but weren't able to because he was so dehydrated.  You can't see the band aid covering the spot where they eventually had to draw that blood from his arterial vein because the other THREE attempts to get a regular vein failed.  How someone so small can weather so much, I will never know.  

You also can't see me freaking out in the background.  Feeling horribly guilty because after nursing my son, exclusively for nearly 7 days I didn't realize that my milk hadn't come in.  He was lethargic. I was starving my son.  I started supplementing but it was too late.  To say I felt horrible doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.  The most instinctual thing I was supposed to be able to do for my son, one of my first jobs as a parent, and I failed.  I failed to the degree of epic proportions.

The next day my milk came in.  Oh, did it ever come in!  But it went almost as fast as it arrived.  I was angry at myself, angry at my body and just looking at a breast pump filled me with hurt and resentment. I would pump and pump and get barely a drop.  I had succumbed.  Hopefully when the time comes for the next one, that won't be the case. 

Back to the picture.

What you can see in that picture is the blankie.  That super soft blankie.  Well, you can see the puppy lovey too but this post isn't called "Puppies and stuff."  For the record, I absolutely adore the puppy!  

I have no idea who gave us this blankie.  I'm sure it was a shower gift.  I loved it.  And he loves it.  He did then and he does now.  To this day, when he wakes up in the morning and I get him out of his crib, he grabs this blankie.  When it's bed time he knows to pick up this blankie and his binky.  He hugs it when he is sick or scared or sad. The love he has for this blankie knows no bounds.

And then we started daycare.  "Bring a sheet and blankie for naptime" they said.  Uh oh, a blankie?  The blankie?  What if something happens to the blankie at daycare?  I can't afford to lose the blankie.  No way.  His world would crumble.

Over the past few months I have found a few substitutes for this blankie.  They are made by Carter's so the outlet store had a couple.  I also managed to pick up a few at Burlington Coat Factory.  I think we are up to 5 or 6 "blankies" now.  They aren't exactly the same but they suffice.  It's a good thing I was able to find them because since cold & flu season has started, daycare is sending home blankets and sheets for DAILY washings.  I don't do laundry daily.

If your little one has a lovey, make sure you get backups if you can.  Seriously.  You will be happy you did.

Do you ever wish you could go back to that simple life?  When something as small as a blankie could make everything all better?

Wordless Wednesday. Kinda.

Check out Ricky's "school" pic.  He is SO big.   Wow - I have a kid.  A kid who has a school picture.  Haha, I'm so grown up.

So Much To Say

Do you sometimes have so much swirling around in your head that you don't know where to start?  That's how I feel about my blog right now.  It has been a weird couple of weeks and I don't really know where to start but here goes.

We left for vacation on Sunday, September 27.  We were actually "on" vacation for less than 24 hours when my Mom called.  Grandma had passed.  

It was my worst nightmare.  I even hesitated leaving for vacation because I was so afraid that she would pass while I was gone.  

I should have called Grandma that Sunday while we were driving down to the Outer Banks.  Called her like I normally do when I have a long drive ahead of me.  Lately our conversations hadn't been very long, but I just liked hearing her voice, checking in on her.  But I didn't call.  I had just spoken to her on Friday and knew that Hospice was coming in to talk to her on Monday.  I figured I would call later in the day on Monday and see how it went with the Hospice folks but I never got that chance.

She passed peacefully, in her sleep.  That is all you could ever want for your loved one, right?  No pain?  

I don't think I have ever met a more amazing woman.  She was strong and kind and full of love.  Her love of God and family knew no bounds.  When I think of how the world has changed during her 91 years, it astounds me.

But right now, I find comfort in knowing that she is Home.  She is with friends and family and maybe she is even dropping in on Rick's Mom, telling her about Ricky.

Yeah, that's definitely what she is doing.

Hiatus.

I'm taking a bloggy break.  Things have been insanely busy with work.  Some family demands need immediate attention and we had a kinda sorta vacation in the middle of all of this.  Give me a couple weeks to regroup.

I'll be back.  Promise.

What's the big secret?

Where did Soft & Dri deodorant go? You know, this stuff.

I have been to CVS, WalMart, Target, Giant, Shoppers Food Warehouse, pretty much everywhere I can think of. I have NOT been to Safeway, Wegmans or Bloom. I will check there tomorrow. But really, if WalMart doesn't have it, who does?

Also, I started boycotting WalMart last December and broke that boycott to go look for this freakin deodorant.

I mean, who did the Secret people pay off? The only deodorant I see is Secret, Ban, Degree and that Secret Clinical Strength stuff. Ain't no way I'm paying $11 for deodorant. I'm not insanely sweaty or anything, I just prefer the Soft&Dri. They have this active stripe that even if it doesn't do anything, I think it does something and I like it. Besides, the passionflower scent sounds sexy.

Also, completely unrelated, I am breaking out like crazy. In the last few weeks I think I have turned in to a 15 yo boy and Exxon is making bids on the oil. It's gross. I wish fall would just stick around so this weird weather crap would go away and my skin can get kinda back to normal.

The Days Roll By

And they just keep rolling. Today I am 36. Geesh, that sounds old.

I feel so grown up, it's almost surreal. Some days I look around and wonder how I got here. In my head I still think I am that 18 year old gal getting her party on at Purity, trying to get served alcohol under the age of 21, going to school part time, working two jobs and praying that the transmission on her Chevette doesn't go out.

Has anyone around here known me long enough to remember the Chevette? The red one that said "Sport" on the side? Let me tell you, a Chevette Sport is about as cool as a Chevette General Lee. But the good times we had in that Chevette are priceless. Many a chinese fire drill, a trip to grad night, trips back & forth to Kentucky to see my boyfriend, then more trips back and forth to Loudounville (a teeny town in the middle of Ohio) to see another boyfriend. I never could find anyone local. It even went to Cleveland to the U2 concert (without me I might add.) But it was always there, I relied on my Chevette.

And then the days rolled by and life moved on.

Before long I was married and living in California then not much longer after that I was divorced and back in Ohio. And now, D.C. Married. With a son. *Gasp*

But those days, 18 years ago when I had that Chevette, they seem like yesterday. The memories are so vivid, so strong. Every second I owned that car I hated it. It wasn't even the Chevette part that bugged me, it was that it had the nerve to be a"Sport". How dare that car try to be cool?!

But now, in my mind, it really was the perfect car for me. And I wouldn't have my life any other way.

I hope I have 36 more years that are half as good as the first 36 years. Thank you to everyone who made the first 36 years of my life so amazing. Thank you to everyone who has come and went in my life. You are all living on with me, in my heart, in my spirit. You have made me who I am. I am pretty ok with who I am and I know that I owe it all to you.